Carole Baskin Killed the Eagles: What’s Next?
The year is 2020. Donald Trump is President. A pandemic is devastating the planet. Now, a new show, Tiger King, just premiered on Netflix where a criminal named Joe Exotic says horrible things. Everyone loves it. Somehow, this all makes sense to you.
In this timeline, however, Carole Baskin’s mysterious disappearance is not precluded by the death of her former (predatory) husband, but by the death of your very own Philadelphia Eagles. The pandemic has taken your freedom, but Carole has taken your heart.
The question now posed to you is this: in a world without the Philadelphia Eagles, who do you root for? What drives you down Packer Ave every autumnal Sunday morning? And if that is now gone, where would you go?
To answer, simply select what you love about being an Eagles fan, and we will tell you who to root for:
I love the Fanbase:
You bleed green and fight mean. Every time you hear Chris Collinsworth’s dumb voice, you punch a wall. You have a love/hate relationship with Mike Scott because you love that he fights too, but you hate that he is a Washington fan. You definitely know how to climb a Crisco’d pole.
You should root for the Buffalo Bills!
You like a mafia mentality. You want to know your fellow fans will have your back when you get punched at an away game for puking on someone’s car. Bills fans will happily join in the violent tailgates and unsafe stadium dynamics. And hey, both teams are historically competitive, and until recently neither had ever won a Super Bowl (party like it’s 2016).
I love the Coach:
Doug Pederson is your guy. When people spell it with a t, you say something. 4th and 1 does not scare you. You love quarterback development, an independent defensive coordinator, and visors.
You should root for the Kansas City Chiefs!
Sure it’s a hat, but you only have to clamor one branch up the coaching tree to find your home. The transition is seamless, inciting nostalgia more than anything else. Doug’s best tricks were developed under Any Reid, and both can gracefully prepare any rising quarterback into an NFL starter.
I love the City:
You like a real city with real skyscrapers, but without all that overwhelming New York City hussle. Humility and pride both have a place where you are from. The northeast intensity is a big part of your life, but staying a little under the radar means no mountains or ocean (at least without a drive).
Your new team is the Chicago Bears!
Chicago may be double the size, but it has all four sports and a river to divide it. It has a solid art and performance scene, a beautiful skyline, and a team with only one Super Bowl title. If it ever gets too cold, just remember: Mike Ditka, Buddy Ryan, and Nick Foles are Philadelphia/Chicago transplants you can call!
I hate the Dallas Cowboys:
Carson who? You are only here to boo the Cowboys. Stephen A. Smith’s trash talk against them is your Call Me By Your Name. If you had to kill Tony Romo or the baby from Ice Age, you would choose Romo. You have never dated anyone from Texas, but. intentionally. You are thinking of worse things to say but I am not allowed to write them.
You should root for the Green Bay Packers or the San Francisco 49ers!
Of teams the Cowboys have played more than 12 times, only these two (and the Browns, but c’mon) have an all-time winning record against the Cowboys. If you just want to watch Dallas lose, consider this: the 49ers are 2-5 to Green Bay’s 4-4 in postseason game, and the Pack are 6-1 in the last 7 matchups (San Francisco is 2-5 there as well).
My dad is an Eagles fan:
You are a follower. You don’t have many hard opinions, you like the sport because it gives you time with dad. He is a cool guy you look up to, and his interests often become your interests.
You should root for Wherever Your Mom Is From!
Go give her a call, it’s probably been too long.
I like the colors:
Kelly Green? No way. You want to keep it midnight every hour of the day. You own a jersey, but you don’t really care who is on it. If you haven’t already, one day you will go to a game wearing bodypaint. You have strong opinions on the blue and gold throwback, but weak ones on the defensive scheme.
You should root for the: J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!
You thought about the Seahawks, but at the end of the day Navy just doesn’t do it for you. Enjoy the trials and tribulations of being New York’s worst football team!
I like the Mascot:
In Eighth Grade you went as Swoop for halloween. You probably know some weird fun facts about mascots that ostracize you from party goers unlucky enough to talk to you. The headline to this article hurt you, physically. Birds of prey are really your thing, even in that horrible movie. “Go birds!” isn’t always about the team with you.
You should root for the Seattle Seahawks!
You thought about the Falcons, Cardinals, and Ravens, but review the evidence:
Cardinal
Falcon
Raven
Seahawk
Eagle
The falcons came close, but the spread wingtips in the seahawk ultimately more closely resemble those of the eagle. “Go birds!” is still part of your vocabulary, though with a different feel.
I love the Team:
You love a defensively minded team. You love being the underdog. You have come so close, so many times, and when it was finally your time, you took down a titan. You are consistently competitive and deeply historic, but don’t have as much hardware to show for it.
(This one is going to sting at first, but) You should root for the New York Giants!
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW. We HATE the Giants. There is little more joy to be found in the world than after watching Philly shut out the G-Men on a Monday Night blackout.
But the teams are 3rd (Giants) and 6th (Eagles) in all-time wins. They are the only two teams to beat Tom Brady in the Super Bowl. In doing so, both teams had quarterbacks dependent on scheme and defense. Both fanbases spill out into New Jersey. And as far as moving is concerned, you only drive an hour or two up I-95 to The House that DeSean Jackson’s Punt Return Built, all while staying in the division.
It is a tough pill to swallow, but your team history would be more alike than you may think.
Featured Image: insider.com
Discover more from Philadelphia Sports Nation
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Categorized:Eagles